Marriage

(written on Feb 22, 2009)

When I was about 4 years old, my mom once asked me, "Who do you want to get married to when you grow up?" My answer was, "Bangyid (my brother) of course..who else?" My answer brought a huge laughter to everyone. Then my mom told me, "You cannot marry your own brother..you have to marry someone other than your relatives.." I was like, "oo00o0o0ooo000ooo."

After that incident, I had never thought about marriage, not until I was 17. Once when I was chatting with some friends in the classroom, I said, "After this we will continue our own path. Maybe 5 years from now, one of us will get married. At that time we will be 22. Marriage is possible, even if it's not common (because 22 is still quite young)." And it was true. One of my classmate got married when she was 21. (Ironically, she was one of the people who said she wouldn't be the person who would get married before 22. Haha).

Then I met someone when I was 18. He was my first love, and so I was naive enough to believe in our so-called 'love'. The relationship was not exactly like I hoped it would be. I constantly felt like it was a one-way relationship, although I strongly wanted to believe that he loved me too...so I did not care being the one who gives, but got nothing in return. I foolishly fantasizing of marrying him, having him as my husband, and father of my kids. At that time, I made a rough plan of how my life would be--get a degree at 22, get a job right after, get married at 23 or 24, and maybe continue study at 25 or older.

However, my plan was not actually got approved by my bf at that time. He said he wanted to get married at 28, because usually by that time, people will have quite a strong and stable financial status. I was devastated, because I thought 28 is quite old. And plus I wanted to have kids before I turn 30. I was not aware of how much a wedding would cost. Then he told me, "We need at least RM 20k to get married. Do you know that?" Then I was like, "Owh, okay." I never though a wedding would cost that much.

After the relationship with my first bf got shaky, I started to shut my self from thinking about love, marriage, and anything related to that. For a whole year, I dunked my self into books and school, and nothing else. However, after he contacted me again, my thought about marriage came back.

That thought however, stayed for only a few months. After we broke up for good (finally), marriage was the last thing in my mind, although I had another guy after him. You see, another guy is the last thing that a woman needs after a break up. I knew we were not for each other, and I knew the relationship would not last long, and I could not even imagine having to spend my life with him.

After barely 7 months, I broke up with him, and I swore to my self that I would not make the same mistake. Although I was single at that time, I still thought about marriage. Maybe because I have already reached that age, where I feel I need someone to be my strength..someone that I can share my life with. However, for the next seven months after the break up, I could only see the career part of my future, but not the family part. Sometimes I even imagined my self having to live alone in an apartment, with a few cats to accompany me. I was preparing my self to accept any possibilities.

However, as the saying goes, "jodoh pertemuan, ajal maut di tangan Tuhan." After barely 7 months, I met someone who, I can confidently say, is the one. I can totally see myself spending my whole life and raising children with him. Our relationship started with me telling him that if he wanted me, come and see my parents to ask my hands in marriage first. You see, I was tired of being tangled in useless relationships, so the way I saw it, if he really wants me, marry me. However, of course, marriage is not something that is easy.. and as usual, money was the problem. We got together nevertheless, and planned to get married middle of this year; when we get to save some money, and wouldn't have to loan too much from banks. We try our best to get enough money for our wedding, so that none of our parents will have to spend any money on us. We search for wedding planners that offer a good deal on wedding packages. We try to be as independent as possible, and not being dependent on our parents for money. But things do not always go as planned..barriers keep on coming--family, money--and so it has to get posponed. However, I am not giving up.

Now, at 24, as I look at my friends' wedding photos, I wonder how they did it. Some of them were still studying when they got married..and some of them just started working. Where did they get the money from? RM 20-30k cannot be saved overnight you see..

Yes, maybe I am jealous that my path to marriage is not as easy as theirs. But I should not complaint. At least, I have found the one. Some of my friends do not even know how it feels to love and to be loved by someone. Some of my friends face a bigger challenge with the other family. Yes, I should not complaint.

My bestfriend once asked me why I wanted to get married now. She said I was just 24..it's not the age where one is desperate to get married. Yes, she was correct. I am not desparate. But I want to get married because I want to settle down, so that I can move on with my life. So that I can focus on other things--my studies, my career. She said my answer was exactly the same like her sister's when she wanted to get married. Now her sister is happy with her husband (and a kid, i think). Then my bestfriend said, "I think you are really ready to get married. I know I am not."

Yes, I am ready..but the time has not come yet. I cannot deny the faint dissapointment that I felt the moment I realized things did not go as planned, but I am willing to wait. At least, after everything is over, we can pat each other's back and said, "We did it (started a family with our own money)."