Obsession

Dark chocolate. Yummy yum.

Owh, this is my biggest obsession.

and since he's my biggest obsession, I just have to put more pictures of him haha

tgk tu dah besar pon makan ice-cream macam budak2. sungguh comel. rase nak picit2. hahaha

Owh, last Sunday was his 25th birthday. So I went out to the mall and celebrate his birthday. Bought a piece of Black Forrest cake and a Macchiato. Next time, please remind me that Macchiato is not Caramel Macchiato without the caramel. Speaking of which, I still haven't found any cafe selling Caramel Macchiato. I mean, seriously, where the hell is Starbucks? Anyway..

HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY MY LOVING, ROMANTIC, COMOT, COMEL, HANDSOME, AND OWH-SO-ADORABLE MR.HUSBAND! :D

Hopefully we'll grow old happily together with dozens of children and grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.

I love you.

p/s: I went out to celebrate his birthday but I totally ignored mine. haha. O well, we practically have the same birthday anyway. The celebrations are always combined :)

p/p/s: chocolate picture googled. Mr.Husband's photos credited to Lun. I took the cake picture myself, of course.

Lawak semalam

Ketika waktu rehat semalam, aku menelefon En.Suami untuk bertanya khabar and mengubat bosan.

En.Suami: Sayang buat ape tu?
Aku: Owh, tgh rehat. Tengah tunggu gel beku..
En.Suami: Ooo..tadi buat ape?
Aku: Tadi dah isolate DNA (plasmid) dari E.coli. Pastu dah potong-potong DNA tu gune enzyme. So skrg ni tgh tunggu gel beku sbb nak separate DNA tu ikut saiz diye. Gel tu agar je..cam agar-agar masak tu haha
En.Suami: Hmm...
Aku: Baby tak paham ape2 pon yg I cakap kan? Banyak gile scientific jargons haha
En.Suami: Busuk~~
Aku: Hahahah (terus gelak)

Susah betul kan nak explain benda2 biotech dekat org pakar IT?

Hahahaha

Of men and self respect

Have you watched the movie "He's just not that into you?" I liked it. In my opinion, it's a good movie and all women should watch it. Although I didn't agree with some things in it..I guess that's because the difference in cultures and values. O well~

Anyway, I bet most of you (women) have had your heart broken at least once. And I bet some (or most) of you have experienced relationship where you felt like you were the only one making all the initiatives to make sure the relationship worked, but your partner did nothing?

I have. Let me tell you my story. (this is my blog anyway, sukati la ahaha)

I met this guy, A, in January 2003. Seven months later, we got together. Yep, he asked me first. I make it a rule..the guy has to be the one who initiates it..I am traditional in that way. So anyway, everything was okay, until about maybe..7 months later, if I am not mistaken. He started to not calling me or texting me. Being someone who was loyal and really wanted the relationship to work, I tried my best to keep in touch, to text him everyday, or call him at least once or twice a week. I did not care if I had to go down to the nearest public phone in the middle of the night and spending RM20 just to call and talk to him for half an hour. I did not care even he did not sound excited to hear my voice. I did not care if I texted him and got nothing back. I did not care, because I really liked him (although before I told people that I loved him, but when I think about it now, I am pretty sure it was not love) and I really wanted the relationship to work. After all, he did tell me that he loved me. He did give me a ring. He did talk about having a family with me. He did tell his parents about me. He did everything that made me sure that he really wanted me. But then, his act of suddenly ignoring me left me hanging.

It was a terrible 3 years, alright. He kept on coming and going. I kept on telling myself that the relationship would work. I had faith in us. I had faith in him. I believed that he must had his own reason to not properly keeping in touch with me, and I believed that he had his own reason to not telling me what the reason was. I also believed whatever the reason was, he would solve it, and everything would go back to what it was before. I believed we would go through it. I strongly believed that he loved me. He told me that, didn't he?

But wow, was I wrong. That day when I saw him running away from me, was the day everything had shattered but becoming clear at the same time. He saw me, I swear. He was talking to someone when he saw me. But then as soon as I walked towards him, he was gone. The next thing I knew, I was looking at his back, walking away from me. I was struck. Then everything came into me. It was real. The silence was real. The unreplied messages were real. He really did not want me. Why didn't he tell me straight to my face? Why didn't I realize it sooner?

It was hard. It was terribly hard. All the things that I thought real, were actually fake. All the happiness that I felt, was actually my own imagination. The image of me and him getting married, the image of him sitting, reading a newspaper while I was cooking, the image of us in a car going somewhere together..those were all my imagination. My own imagination. The imagination that I thought I shared with him, but apparently it wasn't shared. I was imagining it alone. ALONE. Why didn't I realize it sooner? Why?

Right after that incident, I was with another guy. He was a rebound--we got together the day after I saw my-ex walking away from me. And I regretted it, of course. He dumped me in the end, which made me relieved as we really weren't compatible, at all. That's the perfect example of the first rule of relationship: never get into a new relationship shortly after a breakup. (Remember!)

After being dumped, I had a fling with another guy. But it did not work out. Of course it wouldn't. I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't work out. After all, he had a girlfriend. Who was I kidding?

After all those failed romances, I found myself single, unhappy, and still looking. But seriously, how the hell was I gonna find a good man? It's a rare species after all.

However, a couple of weeks later, I sat down, and I realized that I was actually tired. I was tired of failed relationships. I was tired of trying, chasing, hoping, and not getting. I was tired of looking. I was tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I was tired, and I knew I'd had enough.

As I sat down, I started to think about myself. I thought, "I am not that bad. I am not beautiful, pretty, and cute, but I sure am not ugly. But actually, I think I am quite beautiful. I have a good body proportion too, although I am not a model-perfect. I know how to cook. I know how to sew. I know how to take care of babies and children. I am smart, although I am not a genius. I am ambitious. I am strong-willed. I am independent. I know to do almost everything, although not much, but enough for me to live. I am not gedik. I am not becok. I am a matured person. I am not demanding. I am not a high-maintenance-d person. I am not pious, but I am religious enough. I am loyal and I am full of love. I am romantic. I am a good candidate for a wife. I am a good person. And I deserve a good man as well."

After I told that to myself, I felt some kind of strength started to build up inside of me. Then I decided, "Since I deserve a good man, I will wait for the good man to come. Until then, I will not let any less good man to have my heart, even a small fraction of it. I will not give my heart to a man who will almost certainly break it again. I will not give it to a man who doesn't take me seriously. I will not give it to a man who will not chase me, fight for me. I will not give it to a man who doesn't know how to treat me well. I will not give it to a man who does not want to take me to be his wife. I will not give my heart to anyone, until the good man comes into my life and fight for it. Until then, I will keep on living my life, and building my career." And only with that, I felt so much better, and I started seeing the world with a new perspective. Yep, I was alone, but I felt content, because I strongly believed one day the good man would come to my life, and until that time came, I would just wait.

Approximately two months after that, I met an old classmate which I hadn't met for 11 years. About two weeks later, chemistry started to kick in. A week after, we got together. 14 months after, we got engaged. 2 months later, we got married. And now, I am proud to say that I am happily married to the good man whom I had waited.

It sounded as if I did not give my husband a hard time, didn't I? O you bet I did. The night he confessed to me that he liked me and wanted to be in a relationship with me, I told him I did not want to be in a relationship, because it didn't guarantee a happy ending, although I did tell him that I liked him too. Instead, I told him to come to my house and see my parents if he really serious about wanting me. And he actually did. A few days after. Looking at his effort and sincerity, I accepted him with arms wide open. Because with him, everything felt right. And it still does.

So I guess what I am trying to say is, in order to find love, we have to love ourselves first. In order to find respect, we have to respect ourselves first. We need to know ourselves. Identify our strengths and weaknesses; and accept them, embrace them. Only then we'll see what kind of people we actually deserve. Only then, we'll protect ourselves from unnecessary heartache.

I hate seeing women wasting their time trying to keep a relationship when their men do nothing. I hate seeing women trying their best when their men seem not to care. I know they deserve better, and I also know that their men deserve a punch in the face. At least.

Tolak jatuh gaung lagi best.

Simply beautiful

I've seen so many beautiful things in my life. But still, the most beautiful thing I have laid my eyes on was the sight of him trying to hide his shyness when I asked him the reason he didn't want me to study abroad. He was there, sitting on the passenger seat of my small Kancil, trying to act comfortable when he was obviously not; removing his eyes off me as soon as I looked at him. He was there, so big yet so small, so masculine yet so cute.

That, to me, was the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on. That sight, although lasted no longer than a second, has permanently been engraved in my mind, in my heart.

Simply beautiful.

Perihal anak

Ramai org telah mula bertanya bila saya mahu ada anak. "Perut sudah berisi?" ke.. "Wah, nanti anak kau org Australia la!" ke.. atau "Mama, k.fizah dah kawin eh? Nanti k.fizah ade anak tak? Anak diye laki ke perempuan?" Soalan yang terakhir itu adalah soalan pertama tentang anak yg saya terima, dan soalan itu ditanya oleh sepupu saya yang baru sekolah tadika..

Tidak dapat saya nafikan, naluri seorang ibu telah lama ada dalam diri saya. Tatkala memandang bayi2 yg comel, terdetik hati "Nanti aku ade anak, hopefully comel jugak!" Kanak-kanak kecil di bawah umur 7 tahun juga mungkin boleh merasakan naluri keibuan saya. Tak dapat saya terangkan bagaimana, tetapi kanak-kanak dari kumpulan ini sering menunjukkan tanda2 yang mereka senang bersama saya, walaupun saya tidak pernah memberi 'rasuah' gula-gula atau sebagainya. Mungkin saya pun senang dengan mereka. Masih naif dan manja, masih tidak pandai melawan kata.

Namun apakan daya, saya masih belajar untuk mendapatkan Master degree. Mendapat anak pada peringkat ini, pada saya, agak menyukarkan saya untuk pergi ke kelas, membuat assignment, membuat kajian dan sebagainya. Mungkin bagi sebilangan org, itu bukanlah alasan. Saya tahu jika kita inginkan sesuatu, kita pasti boleh melakukannya. Tetapi saya juga tahu tentang kemampuan saya. Ya, saya boleh membuat banyak kerja pada satu2 masa, tetapi saya tidak yakin dengan kemampuan saya berjalan laju menaiki tangga pergi ke kelas dengan perut yang memboyot, dengan emosi yang tidak stabil, dengan tekak yang loya tanpa alasan.

Mungkin nanti, bila saya sudah tidak perlu mengambil banyak kelas lagi, bila tanggungjawab saya hanyalah membuat kajian di makmal. Pada waktu itu, mungkin saya tidak perlu untuk bergegas ke kelas dan berlari-lari untuk menghantar assignment. Pada waktu itu, saya yakin dengan kemampuan diri saya untuk menjalankan tanggungjawab kerja saya dengan perut yang memboyot. Pada waktu itu, saya tidak akan menolak sekiranya saya diberi rezeki daripada Allah untuk mendapat anak. Pada waktu itu, saya yakin untuk menjalankan tanggungjawab saya sebagai seorang bakal pendidik dan juga sebagai seorang isteri yang bertanggungjawab melahirkan zuriat suaminya. Saya tahu suami saya juga menginginkan zuriat daripada saya.

Tetapi bukan waktu ini. Pada waktu ini, saya masih tidak yakin.

Nanti, ya?

Spreading love

While watching Anugerah Juara Lagu last night, my mom said, "All the songs are about love."

I thought, "Well, I guess love makes people write songs/poems. The emotion is just too much to bare, that you just want to sing." (I did not say it out loud because I was too lazy to say anything haha)

Anyway, click here for the proof for the statement. K.z said I just wrote a poem in that post.

I did?? Really??

Hahahaha

Well, I guess I was (and still, and will always be, insyaAllah) in love :)

<3

p/s: To people who burn/plan to burn churches and other things. Stop, please? It doesn't solve anything, instead it makes it worst. Spread love, not hate, okay? Thank you.

Of finding Mr.Right and saving money..

With all these wedding stuffs, it makes me realize two things.

(1) In search for the right one, the perfect man might not be our Mr.Right. What important is, he is the perfect one for us. He may have some flaws, or may even have a lot of flaws, but somehow we know that he is the right one of us. After all, no one is perfect right? Including ourselves. So, why do our Mr.Right has to be perfect? When we know he is our Mr.Right, we see perfection in the imperfection. But of course, one thing that I think everyone needs to have is the desire to be better--that includes ourselves, and our Mr.Right. People will change over time, so why not changing for the better with our Mr.Right?

(2) We know that wedding costs a LOT, but we tend to save for our wedding when we actually have found our Mr.Right, since saving before finding our Mr.Right may make us look dreamy/pathetic/living in a fantasy. But trust me, we will spend more when we have found our Mr.Right, so trying to save at that time is kinda pointless. So, to singles out there, start saving before it's too late! Just ignore what other people might say! (or just answer you are saving for a holiday oversea instead)

p/s: scholarship result today. *bit nails*

The Two Aries

Aries is the first sign of zodiac.

According to the horoscope, people born under this sign is a natural leader. But I think that is not applicable to me. To my fiance...maybe. He was a prefect and the head boy and stuffs.

Anyway, that's not the point. I am not going to talk about zodiac and horoscope and anything along that line here..what I am trying to say is, I have a new blog. The blog was created a few minutes ago, so don't expect a well organized, beautiful, readable blog. The reason for the new blog is because I don't want to put too much personal stuffs in this blog, since this blog was initially created for me to post ideas, and anything that I think worth sharing (although I know I keep on breaking the rule lately. hehe).

*okay, writers' block due to sleepiness*

Anyway, do visit the blog if you want to know updates on my wedding preparation and anything down that line.

Good night!

The ultimate crap of all

It's 2:15am and I am getting engaged in approximately 9 hours

I am very sleepy, yet my dad doesn't let me sleep because everyone else is sleeping and he's scared that no one will wake up on time

I am sleepy, and will be the only person with a pair of sleepy eyes on her engagement day

Lalalala~

Anyway, putting sleepiness aside, I have found my ring back! Yeay!

My dad found it yesterday on the ground when he was sweeping all the leaves and stuffs. So apparently I did not flush it down the toilet. hehehe

Hmm.. what else should I crap?

Hmm..I'm going to do my own makeup tomorrow. Hopefully it will turn out well. I am not good with colorful makeup as I always use natural color (brown) for my makeup, but o well. Same techniques, different colors, that's all.

Hmm.. Ibik will be my photographer for tomorrow. And kakyah will come as guest. Other than that, all my friends are not free to come. That's fine. It's supposed to be a small ceremony anyway.

Hmm..what else?

I am sleepy~ (=.=)~~~

Of scholarship and a woman

I am getting engaged this Saturday. (yeay!)

However I can't really feel the vibes due to several problems relating to:
(1) scholarship
(2) a woman

Let's go to the first problem: scholarship.

The registrar told me a couple of weeks ago that they would hold a study leave meeting on the 9th of November. However, when I asked for the result today (10th November) they told me that the meeting was postponed to the 22nd November 2009. Then there will be another meeting within a week after that. The problem is, I have to send the acceptance declaration form together with a financial affidavit to ANU latest by the 23rd November 2009. I can't get the financial affidavit on time for sure. And so I sent an email asking to extend the dateline to ANU. Aaa~ hopefully they will consider..

Okay, second problem: a woman.

I am not against befriending the ex after a breakup. I mean, it's fine, as long as both parties know that they are done, and not crossing the limit. (Hey, I am a rational person, okay?) However, contacting your ex again to tell the problem that you have with your current partner is a big no-no.

I am a woman. As a woman, I know that when we tell our relationship problem to a friend, we are actually hoping the friend to understand our problem and console us. I also know that when a woman tells a male friend (especially her ex) about her relationship problem, she actually hoping the male friend to understand and become the 'replacement' for her partner. That's why it is very dangerous for a man to be the crying shoulder for a woman who has a relationship problem with her man. The man will most probably be the rebound.

I am a woman. As a woman, I know that they are at least two types of women on this Earth. One is the loyal women, and the other one is the attention-seeker women. The loyal women will stay by their men's side no matter what, and the attention-seeker women cannot stand being alone and always try to get men's attention, although they already have their own men. Unfortunately, the loyal women don't get that much attention from men due to their more reserved personality, while the attention-seeker women usually get the men's attention because of their usually pleasant (to most men, at least, or as other women call it, gedik) personality. Attention-seeker women usually can get away with almost anything, because they can just wink, and that is enough to melt the other party's heart. To relate to the previous paragraph, attention-seeker women usually tell their relationship problem to male friends, instead of their female friends, because of course, they want attention.

Another problem with the attention-seeker women is that they usually identify one man to be their sort of 'safety net'. The man is usually the loyal-type, who sticks to only one woman at a time, and may even stick to that one particular woman whom he really loves. The attention-seeker woman will usually make herself irresistible to the loyal man and become his one particular woman, so that whenever the attention-seeker woman does something wrong, the loyal man will not mind and forgive the attention-seeker woman anyway, even if the attention-seeker woman actually cheats on the loyal man.

However, after a while usually the loyal man will finally gives up on the attention-seeker woman, and finds a loyal woman as his soulmate. The attention-seeker woman will seek for another man's attention, and the loyal man and the loyal woman will live happily together. A happy ending, isn't it? No. The problem arise when the attention seeker woman face a problem with her current man, and she goes back to the loyal man to tell her problem, in hope that the loyal man will accept her back, or at least be her crying shoulder. After all, the attention-seeker woman sees the loyal man as her safety net, doesn't she?

However, the loyal man has already given up on the attention-seeker woman, and he has his loyal woman by his side. Being a loyal man, he will turn down the attention-seeker woman's hope and stick to his loyal woman instead. However, being the attention-seeker woman, she will most probably try her luck by keeping on contacting the loyal man, knowing that the loyal man may one day accept her back since he had once stuck to her, and with the so-called pleasant personality that she has, she knows that the loyal man can't possibly hate her.

And so the insecure feeling kicks the loyal woman, as she watches the attention-seeker woman trying to seek for the loyal man's attention. As much as the loyal woman trusts the loyal man to remain loyal, she still can't ignore the capability of the attention-seeker woman.

p/s: I think I could turn into a psycho-gf. Hahaha.

Sponsors, scholarships and loans

I've been actively looking around for scholarships since yesterday.

I went to the registrar today and the officer in charge was on leave for a WEEK. Her assistant said I need to have gone to Biro Tata Negara camp and submit the complete form, before they forward it to the Ministry of Higher Education. That will definitely take months.

So, I decided to go straight to the Ministry of Higher Education. They said;

MOHE: The problem is, we do not sponsor Master students for abroad studies..

Weird isn't it? Registrar said they will forward the form to MOHE...for nothing??

Anyway, I decided to go to Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam right after. They said;

JPA: The problem is, it's been more than a year since you graduated, and you are curently working. We only sponsor those who continue their studies straight away, and are unemployed. (other than needing to have a 3.75 CGPA which clearly I don't have). You can try submit the application, nevertheless.

I've also looked up MOSTI and MARA. MOSTI will only sponsor those who are unemployed, and the application for MARA's Skim Pelajar Cemerlang loan will be too late since they will only be opened sometime in December/January. There is another loan from MARA, but I will need to pay 100% of the amount I owe....RM200k. Erk?!

Being the stubborn me, I wrote an appeal letter to send to MOHE. I sent it this morning by hand, and I told the receptionist, "It's urgent." I will call the person tomorrow hoping he has started working on my issue urgently.

I have also made an appointment with UPM's Deputy Vice Chancellor (Academic and International) to discuss about sponsorship. It will be at 8am, November 19, 2009. Two more days.

Other than that, I have looked through scholarships available at ANU. Most of them are for developing countries, but somehow Malaysia was not listed. I guess they have already considered Malaysia a developed countries. Anyway, I have found at least one or two that I could apply for. The application will only be available in December though. Hopefully it is not too late.

Ahh.. when finally there is an apportunity for me to feel like I have a purpose again, lots of hindrances appear. Well, it is expected. Afterall, what is life without a little fight.

And I know, this is definitely worth the fight.

p/s: like how I 'fight' for our relationship with his mother, although I failed miserably. It was my first meeting with her. But I didn't care. He is definitely worth the fight as well.

In memories..

October 30, 2008 - November 1, 2009

I accidentally flushed it down the toilet, I think. I did not notice it was not on my finger, until I was performing ablution. Although there is a high possibility that I really did flush it down the toilet, I am still hoping I will find it again someday.

It was the first ring from him.
The first diamond from him.
The ring he used to propose to me at the restaurant.

And I lost it.

:'(

A bling bling update

Yesterday I was wakened up by my dad at 4am. My parents were busy making roti jala out of 7kg flour and chicken curry out of 6 chickens. My dad did not get any sleep that night since he was busy cleaning and rearranging the house, so I was kinda needed to help them here and there. However, being sleepy and moody due to imbalanced hormones and a hurting arm, I only helped them till 6am--after performing my subuh prayer. Then I went back to sleep.

I woke up at ~8:45am and started helping in the kitchen--cleaning, marinating and frying some chicken, making some jelly, etc. My parents were out sending the roti jala and chicken curry to Hulu Langat. My sister was busy cleaning the hall. At about 12pm, my parents came back and they started to help us cooking and cleaning. Then my uncle and aunt came. Then my brother and sister-in-law. It was 1:20pm and I still haven't taken my shower nor brushed my teeth. What's worst than having a moody, emo, hungry and hasn't-yet-showered woman in the house. Hahaha. But of course, I took my shower and brushed my teeth after that.

It was 2:30pm, and they hadn't arrived yet.

3:00pm, still not arriving.

3:20pm, finally arrived.

My bf's family and a neighbor came into the house. They rushed to kiss and hug my adorable baby niece. Then the talk started. My aunt was the one who was doing all the talking since they basically speak the same language (cakap nogori). I was in the room playing Spongebob Collapse (people say the girl should not involve in the conversation, so I hid myself. haha), until I was called to serve some drinks to them. But instead, I made the drink and my sister-in-law served it. hahaha. So I missed the whole conversation. Anyway, after that they had a late-lunch and a long chat with my mom. They left at about 6:00pm.

At about 7:40, my bf and I went out to Jusco Setiawangsa. Bought myself a hair dryer and a pair of cooking chopsticks and my mom a new knife and cutting board (to thank her basically although I did not say it haha). My bf got a new haircut. Then we went to eat takoyaki while watching children playing at a water fountain outside the mall. It was then that I asked him about the conversation.

So I learned that the conclusion of the talk was:
Engagement day will be on December 12, 2009 (although the suggestion for this date was almost rejected)
Hantaran will be decided by both of us, which will be discussed.

All in all, yesterday was a relief for now we know the path of our relationship, compared to the more insecure position before. And I know that he will be my fiance in less than 2 months. haha.

One step is done, another two to go.

Hopefully everything will go on smoothly. Amiiin~

(usually people will say fingers crossed here, but I want to say sapu-tapak-tangan-dekat-muka, boleh?)

p/s: While wathing him having his hair cut, suddenly I felt some kind of excitement rushing down my veins. For the first time ever, I am curious and excited about the future.

p/p/s: Owh, of course, I have a new ring now. A total of two rings on my fingers. Photo later.

p/p/p/s: The reason why I always say I will post the photos later is because I don't have a functional card reader. The card reader that I have has never worked properly since the first day I got it in the mail. And it's too bothering to return it. So like, wutever.

p/p/p/p/s: (this is the last one, I swear) On a totally different topic, I was trying to buy RM50 worth of merchandise in a single receipt from Jusco so that I would be eligible to enter a contest. The total price of the knife, chopping board, and chopsticks was supposed to be ~RM52 (the hair dryer was in a different floor, so I could not pay them together). Much to my surprise, at the cashier, all of them cost ~RM46, not RM52. So apparently they have some kind of extra discounts for JCard members. Since it was less than RM50, I was not eligible to enter the contest. Deym.

1st anniversary

We have turned one year yesterday.

October 8th, 2009, 12:32pm.

We celebrated by having a good dinner at Tony Roma's in C@The Curve.

He ordered a grilled half-chicken with mashed potato and bean, and I ordered a ceasar salad with half salmon. He had iced lemon tea, and I had lime juice. And of course we did not finish the chicken. It was huge and we were stuffed to the max. There were no space for dessert. However, it was truly a great dinner date. I think we even got a discount. Heheh.

Baby,

Happy 1st anniversary, sayang. Thank you for loving me, staying with me despite my sometimes-tak-senonoh perangai and also my bully towards you (suro bukakkan pintu, angkatkan barang..hehe. But you are a natural). I hope to celebrate more anniversaries with you, till both of us turn wrinkly and grey and buncit. Till both of us having to need a wheel-chair to move. Till both of us having to need our grandchildren to feed us our anniversary dinner.

Yes, I love you that much.

Happy anniversary my baby boo(cuk) :P

Love you lots lots lots;
Fizapushie

p/s: Thank you for the famous amos cookies and the lovely card.

Wake me up when september ends

This video makes me cry everytime I see it.

Losing him is one of my biggest fear..even bigger than losing my job. (Hahaha pekerja hampeh sungguh)





LYRICS:

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

like my fathers come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends
wake me up when September ends
wake me up when September ends

Bakal

Peristiwa 1:
Ketika sedang sibuk di dapur membuat caramel, emak pula sedang sibuk membuat roti jala. Kedua-duanya dibuat untuk tempahan dan jualan.
Mak: Ooo..camtu buat kuih ni~ (sambil melihat aku dan adik membuat creme caramel)
Aku: A'ah~
Mak: Nanti Ajoy boleh jualkan roti jala tak?
Aku: Boleh je..cakap je la kat diye
Mak: "Roti jala ni bakal mak mertua yg buat~" (konon-konon mengajuk gaya Ajoy mempromosikan roti jala)
Aku: Hahaha~

Peristiwa 2:
Ketika sedang sibuk menyediakan juadah berbuka puasa.
Aku: Weh Hazirah, Abg Ajoy tanye nak pasang pelita tak kat rumah
Adik: NAK!!
Aku: Haa boleh la nanti pasang
Adik: Yeay yeay sukanye dengan bakal abang ipar aku ni. Kak Shila (kakak ipar) pon best gak. Dua-dua cam bersemangat!
Aku: Itulah..bagus la sbb family kite ni tak semangat raya langsung~

*Mesti ade org yg sedang tersenyum-senyum sampai ke telinga bila bace post ni hehehe*

The new form of peer pressure

Looking at wedding pictures of people my age really makes me feel depressed.

These days, most of my friends have started to book dates for their wedding. They are like, lining up to get married.

This is a new form of peer pressure.

I want to get married too, but not because of the pressure. I want to get married because I want to get married. I want to settle down.

However, due to some inevitable problems, that plan has to get postpone. Urgh~

But it's okay. I am strong right?

Yes, I am strong, strong, strong.

.....that's not working. Let's try doing that again.

I am strong, strong, strong.

Okay, that works.

p/s: This is like, the third(?) time I write about this. Hahaha. I am desperate. Pathetic.



Lagu: Hampir Ke Situ
Artis: Mendua

Aku sadar bukan mudah
Untuk mengejar mimpi indah
Pernah suatu ketika dulu
Ku punya harapan besar
Kini aku tak pasti
Dapatkan ku miliki

Sudah jauh kita tempuh
Kekalkanlah impian lalu
Mungkin ada hikmat
Yang akan menunggu
Di penghujung jalan
Biar nanti kecewa
Setidak-tidaknya mencuba

(korus)
Jika halangan menduga perjalanan kita
Janganlah kau putus asa
Karena ku ada di sisi setia menemani
Andai semangatmu gugur
Genggamlah tanganku
Kita hampir ke situ

Adakala ku terasa
Ketabahan tak setegar
Tetapi apakan daya
Berhenti separuh jalan
Percayalah padaku
Aku yakin kita mampu

(ulang korus)

Biar orang katakan
Rapuhnya harapan
Bukan mereka tentukan lagi
Kau ada aku dan aku punya kamu
Amanlah akhirnya tetap bersama
Oh...

(ulang korus)

Monolog: 9 bulan

(amaran: sesiapa yang tidak berhati jiwang, read at your own risk.)

Mohd Dzulkarnain Zainal Ahbiddin.
Bergambar ketika bersiar-siar di Taman Burung, Kuala Lumpur.

Sedar tak sedar, sudah 15 tahun aku mengenali lelaki ini, dan semalam, genap 9 bulan aku bersamanya. 9 bulan yang aku rasakan begitu pantas berlalu. 9 bulan yang dipenuhi kisah suka-duka dan juga cinta. Ya, cinta.

Apa itu cinta? aku pun tidak tahu apa jawapannya dalam bentuk kata-kata, tetapi yang pastinya aku yakin, apa yang aku rasakan ini adalah cinta. Aku masih ingat kali pertama dia melafaskan kata cinta kepadaku. Ketika itu, kami berdua berada di dalam kereta untuk ke suatu tempat. Pada waktu itu, hubungan kami baru berusia beberapa minggu..mungkin 2 atau 3. Dia katakan padaku, "I sayang you, I cinta you. I taknak menggunakan perkataan 'love' kerana ia boleh membawa maksud 'sayang' atau 'cinta'. Bagi I, 'cinta' adalah perasaan yang lebih kuat dari 'sayang'. Semalam I sedar yang perasaan I terhadap you sudah mencapai tahap cinta. I cintakan you, sayang."

Aku tidak tahu apa yang aku patut katakan pada ketika itu. Lidahku kelu. Tiada yang keluar dari mulutku melainkan ucapan terima kasih. Aku tahu dia tidak mahu itu. Aku tahu dia ingin aku mengucapkan kata-kata yang sama kepadanya, tapi aku belum bersedia. Atau lebih tepat, aku tidak tahu apa itu cinta. Aku tidak mahu melafazkan sesuatu yang aku tidak pasti akan maknanya.

Aku sudah terlupa bila kali pertama aku melafazkan kata cinta kepadanya. Tetapi yang pasti, aku tidak membuatnya menunggu terlalu lama. Mungkin selepas beberapa hari dia menyatakan yang dia mencintai aku. Aku menyedari yang aku juga mencintainya bila aku tahu yang aku tidak boleh kehilangannya, bila aku tahu yang aku tidak boleh hidup tanpanya, bila setiap kali dia menangis, aku menangis bersamanya, dan bila setiap kali dia ketawa, aku ketawa bersamanya.

Selama kami bersama, sudah banyak suka dan duka yang telah kami lalui..mungkin lebih banyak dari segelintir rakan-rakanku yang telah mendirikan rumahtangga. Aku teringat satu peristiwa di awal hubungan kami. Pada waktu itu, aku masih lagi sukar untuk mempercayai lelaki, walaupun lelaki itu adalah dia. Disebabkan oleh sikapnya yang terlalu baik terhadapku, aku sering terfikir, adakah layanannya itu akan kekal sehingga ke tua? Atau apakah ketika aku tidak lagi cantik, dia akan keluar mencari pengganti dan meninggalkan aku keseorangan di rumah? Aku sering berasa gelisah pabila mengenangkan perkara itu. Disebabkan aku banyak mengelamun pada waktu itu, dia sedar akan perubahan pada diriku. Dia cuba untuk mencungkil apa yang ada di benak fikiranku. Dengan rasa yang serba-salah, aku mengaku padanya yang aku mempunyai masalah untuk mempercayai lelaki, termasuk dia. Tidak dapat aku ceritakan bagaimana raut wajahnya ketika itu. Dia sungguh kecewa dengan kenyataanku, lalu menghisap beberapa batang rokok tanpa bersuara. Aku rasa bersalah, aku tahu aku telah melukakan hatinya. Aku tahu dia mengharapkan aku mempercayainya kerana dia mempercayai aku tanpa berbelah-bagi. Pada waktu itu, baginya, aku adalah nyawanya, dan bagiku, dia hanyalah seorang lelaki. Aku menangis di tengah-tengah kesibukan kota.

Setelah beberapa ketika, dia berpaling kepadaku. Dia melafazkan kata-kata cinta padaku. Dia meyakinkanku bahawa dia tidak akan berubah, bahawa dia hanya mencintaiku dan akan terus mencintaiku seorang. Dia meyakinkan aku bahawa dia akan tetap mencintaiku walau kulitku sudah kedut seribu, dan kepalaku telah dilitupi dengan helaian rambut putih. Dalam linangan air mata, dia meyakinkan aku. Aku menggagahkan diri untuk melihat wajah dia yang telah aku lukai. Ternyata dia ikhlas mencintaiku. Malam itu, segala keraguanku terhadapnya lenyap sama-sekali. Aku mempercayainya. Aku yakin akan dia. Aku tahu dia adalah yang terbaik untukku. Aku tahu aku mencintai dia.

Kini, aku hanya mengharapkan dan mendoakan hanya yang terbaik buat kami berdua. Aku berharap, walaupun aku tidak dapat bernikah dengannya pada hari ulangtahun pertama perhubungan kami, setidak-tidaknya dapatlah aku mengikat tali pertunangan dengannya. Aku sudah tidak sabar lagi menantikan detik aku diijabkabulkan dengannya, bergelar isteri kepadanya. Aku tidak sabar untuk melahirkan dan membesarkan zuriat kami. Aku sudah tidak sabar lagi untuk membina sebuah keluarga dengannya. Membina kehidupan dengannya. Kehidupan aku dan dia.

Ya, dia. Dia, yang merupakan
nyawaku,
nafasku,
hidupku,
bungaku,
bulanku,
matahariku,
pelangiku,
sinarku,
penyeri hidupku,
kekuatanku,
doronganku,
wangianku,
harapanku.

Dia adalah segala-galanya bagiku.

Dialah cintaku.

Jika apa yang aku alami ini adalah mimpi, jika apa yang aku alami ini adalah fantasi, biarkan aku enak dibuai mimpi ini. Jangan sekali-kali menyedarkan aku kepada realiti.

Tangkap khalwat

(written on May 14, 2009)

I just watched video on tangkapan khalwat and also read about it in a forum..

(Just in case you all wonder why I searched for those stuffs in the internet..it all started with a conversation I had with my friends during breakfast this morning..anyway~~)

Watching the video, uneasiness started crawling in my vein. Not really with the doers, but with the people catching these couples..who I assumed were from Jabatan Agama Islam, somewhere. I am not saying that it is okay for couples to do those things, especially in public, but the way they were caught and humiliated the couples after that is, I think, violating their rights.

These people who caught them, record a video of them doing whatever that they do, then ask them in a raised voice "Dah kawin?!" and still keep on recording the video--focusing on their faces and all. If they say it is for proving purposes, fine. But how did these videos end up on youtube? Plus, without blurring the faces whatsoever?

Firstly, I think recording a video is quite unnecessary, since even in Islam, 4 witnesses is enough to prove that they did what they did. However, some people say that the video is to strengthen the eye-witnesses say. Okay, fine. But it shouldn't be made public. It is humiliating. And it is not Islamic at all to humiliate someone in front of other people, what more to the whole world. Plus, sometimes the couples did nothing. Some couples were just sitting, with gap in between and not touching, and still got caught! Some people are not even Muslims, and they weren't even kissing or hugging! I mean, seriously..they were humiliated for no reason, and it's not cool to do that. However, some people say it is to remind other people not to do it. Okay, fine. But they could have blurred their faces first, before putting it on youtube, right?

Secondly, the way they ask is inappropriate (i think there's another word for it, but I cannot think of any). They raise their voice and asked, "dah kawin?!" They cannot be sure that those couples aren't married yet, can they? What if the couples are married? Free humiliation, again, to both the couples and them. And plus, the way they ask makes the couples startle, and thus the couples would answer to whatever that they ask. Okay, that's not really a big deal, but what if they were actually criminals pretending to be the people from Jabatan Agama Islam and asking for these couples' identity card? How can these couples be sure that they really are from JAI? My mom once said, even if a person dressed like a policeman comes to us and asks for our IC, asks for their police batch first. They could be criminals. Same goes to these people who claim that they are from JAI. So I think, instead, they could have introduced themselves (and show their staff card, if necessary) and asked politely, "kami dari blablabla, encik dah kawin?" so that if the couples are married, they can ask for kad nikah and apologize and go away without being humiliated, and if the couples are not, then they can proceed with the right procedure. Kata berbudi bahasa amalan kita, kan?

(owh, suddenly my chain-of-thoughts was distracted and I cannot find the other half!)

......

Anyway, most people commented that these couples should have gotten married and not be doing all those things in the first place. Basically, they blame the couples 100%. But I say it's not 100% the couples' fault. Again, I am not saying what they did was right, but, think again, how much does it cost to get married?(Thanks to our society, we need to invite everyone--satu kampung, 2,3,4 pupu--to our wedding, or else people will say things) How complicated it is to get married? (Also thanks to our society, the older sister needs to get married first, or the guy needs to support his family first, or they need to be engaged first for at least a year, or the hantaran cannot be too low or else people will say things). Although I agree that most probably most of these couples do not have the intention of marrying each other, but I believe at least some of them do, but due to these reasons, they cannot. Some people might argue that if the guy really wanted to marry the girl, he should've protected her and not be doing all those things to her, but I would say, they are just human. For someone to be wanting to marry someone else proves that there is attraction between them, and thus all these things happen. To err is human, and thus, not everyone is strong enough to keep the boundaries..

(okay, I've lost my chain-of-thoughts again..)

So anyway, I think, one way to reduce this social problem (other than strengthening the way religion is taught in class and at home) is by the society to not be too strict on the marriage and wedding process. If both the guy and the girl have met the requirements and they want to get married, the parents should just let them. Put the what-other-people-would-say thinking aside. It's better to get humiliated for not inviting everyone to the wedding, or for not having the highest hantaran than get humiliated for doing inappropriate things..but then again, the people who still have this kind of thinking are mostly from the older generations, who, will most probably, not be reading this entry.

ps: Some people said that sometimes these people who catch couples punch/hit the couples first (including the girls) before bringing them in for justice. I mean, hello?

pss: Someone in the forum wrote that he and his wife got caught a lot of times by these Jabatan Agama people. Then another person wrote that her husband got pissed and hit the person who caught them. That's hardcore. haha

Marriage

(written on Feb 22, 2009)

When I was about 4 years old, my mom once asked me, "Who do you want to get married to when you grow up?" My answer was, "Bangyid (my brother) of course..who else?" My answer brought a huge laughter to everyone. Then my mom told me, "You cannot marry your own brother..you have to marry someone other than your relatives.." I was like, "oo00o0o0ooo000ooo."

After that incident, I had never thought about marriage, not until I was 17. Once when I was chatting with some friends in the classroom, I said, "After this we will continue our own path. Maybe 5 years from now, one of us will get married. At that time we will be 22. Marriage is possible, even if it's not common (because 22 is still quite young)." And it was true. One of my classmate got married when she was 21. (Ironically, she was one of the people who said she wouldn't be the person who would get married before 22. Haha).

Then I met someone when I was 18. He was my first love, and so I was naive enough to believe in our so-called 'love'. The relationship was not exactly like I hoped it would be. I constantly felt like it was a one-way relationship, although I strongly wanted to believe that he loved me too...so I did not care being the one who gives, but got nothing in return. I foolishly fantasizing of marrying him, having him as my husband, and father of my kids. At that time, I made a rough plan of how my life would be--get a degree at 22, get a job right after, get married at 23 or 24, and maybe continue study at 25 or older.

However, my plan was not actually got approved by my bf at that time. He said he wanted to get married at 28, because usually by that time, people will have quite a strong and stable financial status. I was devastated, because I thought 28 is quite old. And plus I wanted to have kids before I turn 30. I was not aware of how much a wedding would cost. Then he told me, "We need at least RM 20k to get married. Do you know that?" Then I was like, "Owh, okay." I never though a wedding would cost that much.

After the relationship with my first bf got shaky, I started to shut my self from thinking about love, marriage, and anything related to that. For a whole year, I dunked my self into books and school, and nothing else. However, after he contacted me again, my thought about marriage came back.

That thought however, stayed for only a few months. After we broke up for good (finally), marriage was the last thing in my mind, although I had another guy after him. You see, another guy is the last thing that a woman needs after a break up. I knew we were not for each other, and I knew the relationship would not last long, and I could not even imagine having to spend my life with him.

After barely 7 months, I broke up with him, and I swore to my self that I would not make the same mistake. Although I was single at that time, I still thought about marriage. Maybe because I have already reached that age, where I feel I need someone to be my strength..someone that I can share my life with. However, for the next seven months after the break up, I could only see the career part of my future, but not the family part. Sometimes I even imagined my self having to live alone in an apartment, with a few cats to accompany me. I was preparing my self to accept any possibilities.

However, as the saying goes, "jodoh pertemuan, ajal maut di tangan Tuhan." After barely 7 months, I met someone who, I can confidently say, is the one. I can totally see myself spending my whole life and raising children with him. Our relationship started with me telling him that if he wanted me, come and see my parents to ask my hands in marriage first. You see, I was tired of being tangled in useless relationships, so the way I saw it, if he really wants me, marry me. However, of course, marriage is not something that is easy.. and as usual, money was the problem. We got together nevertheless, and planned to get married middle of this year; when we get to save some money, and wouldn't have to loan too much from banks. We try our best to get enough money for our wedding, so that none of our parents will have to spend any money on us. We search for wedding planners that offer a good deal on wedding packages. We try to be as independent as possible, and not being dependent on our parents for money. But things do not always go as planned..barriers keep on coming--family, money--and so it has to get posponed. However, I am not giving up.

Now, at 24, as I look at my friends' wedding photos, I wonder how they did it. Some of them were still studying when they got married..and some of them just started working. Where did they get the money from? RM 20-30k cannot be saved overnight you see..

Yes, maybe I am jealous that my path to marriage is not as easy as theirs. But I should not complaint. At least, I have found the one. Some of my friends do not even know how it feels to love and to be loved by someone. Some of my friends face a bigger challenge with the other family. Yes, I should not complaint.

My bestfriend once asked me why I wanted to get married now. She said I was just 24..it's not the age where one is desperate to get married. Yes, she was correct. I am not desparate. But I want to get married because I want to settle down, so that I can move on with my life. So that I can focus on other things--my studies, my career. She said my answer was exactly the same like her sister's when she wanted to get married. Now her sister is happy with her husband (and a kid, i think). Then my bestfriend said, "I think you are really ready to get married. I know I am not."

Yes, I am ready..but the time has not come yet. I cannot deny the faint dissapointment that I felt the moment I realized things did not go as planned, but I am willing to wait. At least, after everything is over, we can pat each other's back and said, "We did it (started a family with our own money)."