Fight till the end

Called MOHE this morning, asking about my letter. It went something like this:

(blablabla the same boring introduction)
MOHE: You sent the letter by yourself right? Not through your employer (UPM)?
Me: Yes, because the officer in charge is on leave for a week, and I am short of time.
MOHE: The problem is, you have to send the application through your employer, that's the only way for us to know that they have given you the permission to continue your studies abroad. And even so, we still have to see if there is a slot open for another scholar..
Me: Is there any other way? Since I am short of time now..
MOHE: No, you have to send it through your employer
Me: ......okay then. Thank you

This is my reaction after the phone call ---> ('___')

.....

Okay, I think I should think of plan B now.

Lets sort everything out.

Dateline for sending the Declaration of Acceptence to ANU: November 23, 2009 (I need to pay a fee deposit of A$5760.00 by then)

List of scholarships:
1) MOHE - no budget for oversea Masters study (although they sent a letter to the registrar, dated October 21, 2009 about the availability of a scholarship for tutors who are already offered a place in one of the top 20 universities). I can try applying anyway, although the whole process will definitely take at least a month and a half. By then, it's already past the dateline.
2) JPA - do not sponsor those who are working, having a CGPA less than 3.75, and applying for the scholarship more than 1 year after graduation. I am totally not eligible for it. But I can try applying for it anyway. Then again, the person said, the process would take around 2-3 months. It would be past the dateline, again.
3) MARA - application for Skim Pelajar Cemerlang will only be available at the end of the year/early next year. It will difinitely pass the dateline, still.
4) Endeavour Award (Australian Scholarship) - application will only open in December. And that's the second round of the application. The first round was last April. Percentage of getting: I don't know. But I'll try to apply for it anyway. Anyway, I think the whole process will take more than a month..so, it'll pass the dateline, still.
5) MOSTI - not for working people. I will need to resign if I want this scholarship. Still need to look deeper into this.
6) Shell, Sime Darby, and other private sectors - Haven't look into these, yet.

Hmm..it looks like all the scholarships will take more than a month to process. And I only have exactly 5 weeks from today to return the Declaration of Acceptance.

Hmm..I think I will gamble on this.

A$5,760.00 = RM18,027.21

I think I will make bank loan to pay for the deposit first. At the same time, I will apply to all scholarships available. Hopefully someone will sponsor me. Amiin.

Bismillahitawakkaltu'alAllah.

p/s: One main reason why I will fight till the end for this is because the day before I got the offer letter, I was thinking on registering for the GRE test the next day. And also, I did a serious solat hajat, wishing to continue my studies abroad and to get married soon. And of course, I also wished for a better, smooth life, and for a stronger iman. The moment I got the offer letter, it really felt like this is it. It was a very strong instinct. As if I know that this is the path for me. It felt like Allah had granted my wish. Now it's up to me to make it real.

Sponsors, scholarships and loans

I've been actively looking around for scholarships since yesterday.

I went to the registrar today and the officer in charge was on leave for a WEEK. Her assistant said I need to have gone to Biro Tata Negara camp and submit the complete form, before they forward it to the Ministry of Higher Education. That will definitely take months.

So, I decided to go straight to the Ministry of Higher Education. They said;

MOHE: The problem is, we do not sponsor Master students for abroad studies..

Weird isn't it? Registrar said they will forward the form to MOHE...for nothing??

Anyway, I decided to go to Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam right after. They said;

JPA: The problem is, it's been more than a year since you graduated, and you are curently working. We only sponsor those who continue their studies straight away, and are unemployed. (other than needing to have a 3.75 CGPA which clearly I don't have). You can try submit the application, nevertheless.

I've also looked up MOSTI and MARA. MOSTI will only sponsor those who are unemployed, and the application for MARA's Skim Pelajar Cemerlang loan will be too late since they will only be opened sometime in December/January. There is another loan from MARA, but I will need to pay 100% of the amount I owe....RM200k. Erk?!

Being the stubborn me, I wrote an appeal letter to send to MOHE. I sent it this morning by hand, and I told the receptionist, "It's urgent." I will call the person tomorrow hoping he has started working on my issue urgently.

I have also made an appointment with UPM's Deputy Vice Chancellor (Academic and International) to discuss about sponsorship. It will be at 8am, November 19, 2009. Two more days.

Other than that, I have looked through scholarships available at ANU. Most of them are for developing countries, but somehow Malaysia was not listed. I guess they have already considered Malaysia a developed countries. Anyway, I have found at least one or two that I could apply for. The application will only be available in December though. Hopefully it is not too late.

Ahh.. when finally there is an apportunity for me to feel like I have a purpose again, lots of hindrances appear. Well, it is expected. Afterall, what is life without a little fight.

And I know, this is definitely worth the fight.

p/s: like how I 'fight' for our relationship with his mother, although I failed miserably. It was my first meeting with her. But I didn't care. He is definitely worth the fight as well.

What should I do?

I was surprised by an email this morning. It says:

Dear Ms Mohd Pushiri

I am delighted to offer you admission to a program of study at The Australian National University. Details are set out below:

Program: Master of Biotechnology (CRICOS Code: 052702F)
Program Type: Postgraduate
Commencing: First Semester, 2010
Indicative Tuition Cost: A$24,768.00 (per year)
Program Start Date: 22 February 2010
Standard Full-Time Duration: 1 Year

Okay, what should I do?

Currently in my mind, I have this picture:
-Call registrar and force them to give me a scholarship. They get sick of me forcing them, so they give me one, eventually (haha)
-Get everything needed to go study in Australia settled (passport, visa, etc)
-At the same time, get both families convinced to let us marry. They get tired of my continuous request, so they let us marry eventually. (haha)
-Get his necessary documents to follow me to Australia settled too
-Happily flying off to Australia with the beloved husband :)

Okay, back to reality.

The reality is: The dateline for scholarship application was on November 5, 2009. And today is November 13, 2009. I am already 8 days late. *jatuh tergolek2 masuk gaung*

What to do what to do what to do

Am I on the right job?

I watched a program called "Outstanding Malaysians" on TV yesterday. It was on Chef Wan, who are now internationally known.

I learned from the program that Chef Wan was once working in the banking industry (as an accountant, I think) for seven years, before quitting his job and pursuing his passion in cooking. He sold his house, and traveled to California to learn culinary art. He graduated as the best student in his class, and since then he has been cooking all over the world.

Chef Wan's determination to pursue his passion really caught my attention. I admired his determination, hard work, and self-confidence. He gambled everything that he had at that time to pursue his dream. And this makes me think of my life right now.

Am I on the right career?

Living in Malaysia, where the society would most probably 'force' us to do Math and Science at the first sight they saw that we could do it, makes me basically did not have much choice other than studying science and become a scientist. As one of the top students in my primary school, I was offered to go to a boarding school, where everyone had to study pure science. Going into college, I chose biotechnology, as I loved genetics and I did not want to study pure genetics. I did not consider any other choices, as scholarships for other fields were scarce and I did not have any formal education on them.

However, during my college days, I found myself struggling to succeed. Biochemistry could not penetrate well into my brain. I could not make myself remember all the family names of the animals. I even got a C+ in the subject that I was so eager to learn--bacterial genetics. However, I got A's in all the Japanese classes I took. I even found myself very eager to master the language and to study the culture. Unfortunately, Japanese is not my major. And again, I found myself stuck in science.

Now, working as a Tutor, I know I am on the right track to become a scientist. After college, and when starting this job, I was so eager to study Environmental Biotechnology in depth. I was eager to do my own experiments, to learn new things, to know all these mysteries that mother nature had for us. Studying locally or abroad was not a big issue since I believed I could learn the same thing and get the same Master and PhD degree regardless of the place of study.

However, as I started my grad school studies here, I couldn't help but feel disappointed. Every class drained my energy. In no time, I realized that I had lost the eagerness and enthusiasm that I had before. My brain did not move as fast. My body did not move as fast. I have turned into a zombie. I work because I need to, not because I want to. I have lost the essences that make me, me. The goal that I have set seem too vague now. I am starting to look for other options. Other career choices.

But then again, I cannot find a thing that I am really passionate about. Maybe that's one of the things that makes it hard to be me. I am too cool and too indifferent about everything that I don't feel too excited about anything. I know I love playing music, learning new languages..both give me satisfaction, but none is my passion, I think. I do not google anything about music or languages. I can do both well, but I know I am not good when I start to study it deeper.

Recently I have started to think about starting my own business. But then, what do I sell? Cakes? Cookies? Dresses? Do I have the time? Can I really make money out of it? Do I have enough knowledge and experiences to start a new business? Owh, I remember, I got a C+ in Business Administration 6 years ago..the course that everyone else got an A. I think that explains everything.

I can't deny that I am in a very insecure and confusing state right now. Theoritically, I am in a job that I should be thankful for. However, in reality, I kinda feel like changing jobs, but obligations make me stay. I need some assurance. Something that can reminds me of my long lost enthusiasm and goal.

And so, I did a career test.

This is what I got:

My personality type is INTJ (Introvert, iNtuation, Thinking, Judging)

INTJ: "Scientist". Most self-confident and pragmatic of all the types. Decisions come very easily. These are the most independent of all types. They love logic and ideas and are drawn to scientific research. They can be rather single-minded, though.. 1% of the total population.

INTJ

INTJs’ precision thinking and need for accuracy causes them to be inflexible at times. Having thought out a strategy, the INTJ may stubbornly disregard those who they think have not spent as much time reflecting on an idea as they have. This, along with their drive to produce something significant, can make them demanding and difficult. If their plans and solutions fall short of their high standards, INTJ's feel pressured — as if everything is on the line. "Everything," for an INTJ, is the competence and ability to produce something significant. Fear of not living up to this expectation will increase their stress and possibly dissuade them from risking or trying out their ideas. They may then find themselves thinking about ideas that do not have a meaningful or productive end. When stress increases, the INTJ can become argumentative and disagreeable. Social interaction, which is not their strength, becomes increasingly difficult for them. Not trusting their own abilities, they become preoccupied with obsessive notions. The INTJ may then find themselves spending an inordinate amount of time fighting horrible thoughts, tempting absurdities, and feelings of worthlessness. Fearful of others recognizing their perceived failure, the INTJ incessantly ruminates about mistakes, inadequacies, weaknesses, ineptness, and incompetence. Because this distracts them from risking what little confidence they may have left in themselves, it therefore keeps them from obtaining the success and achievement they so desperately need. Careers This lists represent careers and jobs people of your type tend to enjoy doing. The job requirements are similar to the personality tendencies of your personality type. It is important to remember that this is not a list of all the jobs possible. And it is very important to remember that people can, and frequently do, fill jobs that are dissimilar to their personality... this happens all the time...and sometimes works out quite well. management consultant economist scientist computer programmer environmental planner new business developer curriculum designer administrator mathematician psychologist neurologist biomedical researcher strategic planner civil engineer intellectual properties attorney designer editor/art director inventor informational-graphics...designer financial planner judge

After reading about INTJ's personality, I think I really am in the state of the bold text above. The current program and classes do not reach the invisible standard that I have set, and so it makes me feel very dissapointed. However, it's good to know that I am actually on the right job. The only thing that is left to do is to make things in order again. Finding that eagerness. That enthusiasm. That energy. Finding me.

And thus, I am seriously thinking about continuing my studies abroad.

I know this decision will create conflicts with my personal life plan, but I believe if we do something sincerely, Allah will help us go through everything smoothly. InsyaAllah.

In memories..

October 30, 2008 - November 1, 2009

I accidentally flushed it down the toilet, I think. I did not notice it was not on my finger, until I was performing ablution. Although there is a high possibility that I really did flush it down the toilet, I am still hoping I will find it again someday.

It was the first ring from him.
The first diamond from him.
The ring he used to propose to me at the restaurant.

And I lost it.

:'(

I am angry

Found this article on utusan online, and I TOTALLY DISAGREE on what they are saying. I mean, if the system works beautifully, we wouldn't be seeing people click with their own kind all the time. Just look at school canteens, malls, buses, everywhere..people tend to stick to their own race, speak their own language. Why? Because we grew up that way! We never got the opportunity to fully understand each other when we were young, at the age where we try to comprehend everything, learn everything, know everything. When we got bigger, we had already been 'told' that this race this and that race that, and and they have stuck almost permanently in our heads. We tend to develop stereotypes towards other races due to our weak understanding towards others.

I mean, really, just look at other multiracial countries like the US. Everyone comes in from different background. They learn how to speak, read, and write in English. They go to American school. They introduce themselves as Americans, although at the same time, they are proud of their roots. The same goes to other multiracial countries like Indonesia. Why aren't these people fighting for their own schools?

It's weird, isn't it? Everytime someone suggests on having a one school system, there'll be lots of people against it. Why? What do they want, actually? Don't they want our country to unite? Don't they love their own country? I mean, as Malaysians, we should not be scared when we are asked to learn in Bahasa Malaysia or to mix with other Malaysians. Plus, I seriously believe that they will still teach Mandarin and Tamil in the school, so they should not be scared that the languages will finally extict, because they won't. Why are they so against it? Do they really want to be Malaysians, or do they want to be citizens of other countries? And plus, if they really serious about merging and unifying everyone together, they should have realized that the main reason that divide us is our school system. I mean, hello~ everyone else knows this~ duhh~

1Malaysia won't work if they stick to this attitude. 1Malaysia requires sacrifice from everyone, especially the leaders.

But instead, our leaders said these:

"Bagi sekolah Tamil, pelajar (India) akan berpeluang bergaul dengan kanak-kanak daripada kaum lain apabila mereka memasuki sekolah menengah,” -Datuk Seri S. Samy Vellu

My @$$. Try going to those secondary schools and see how many students actually mix with other races.

"Ia bukan penghalang kepada perpaduan nasional, sebaliknya bantu menerapkan semangat bersatu padu di kalangan masyarakat majmuk,” -Datuk Dr. Wee Ka Siong

And you are calling yourself the Deputy Minister of Education? Bullsh*t. Tell me how it has helped in uniting us together.

Stupid. Frustrating. VERY frustrating. Deym.

I am angry.

p/s: Remember having chinese, indian, singh, and aboriginal in my class when I was in standard 1-3 and it was beautiful.

MIC dan MCA tidak setuju sekolah satu aliran
30/10/2009 7:52pm

KUALA LUMPUR 30 Okt. — MIC dan MCA menentang cadangan melaksanakan sistem pendidikan satu aliran, dengan mengatakan bahawa sekolah jenis kebangsaan yang ada sekarang tidak akan menghalang usaha ke arah mewujudkan perpaduan nasional.

Presiden MIC, Datuk Seri S. Samy Vellu hari ini berkata, sekiranya cadangan itu dikemukakan dalam usaha menjalin perpaduan kaum, ada banyak cara lain lagi untuk melakukannya dan bukan melalui sistem pendidikan satu aliran.

"Bagi sekolah Tamil, pelajar (India) akan berpeluang bergaul dengan kanak-kanak daripada kaum lain apabila mereka memasuki sekolah menengah,” katanya kepada pemberita sebelum menyerahkan cek bernilai RM1 juta kepada lebih 50 kuil Hindu di sini.

Sementara itu, Ketua Pemuda MCA, Datuk Dr. Wee Ka Siong berpendapat sistem persekolahan pelbagai aliran patut diteruskan kerana ia tidak akan menjejaskan perpaduan di kalangan masyarakat majmuk negara ini.

"Ia bukan penghalang kepada perpaduan nasional, sebaliknya bantu menerapkan semangat bersatu padu di kalangan masyarakat majmuk,” kata Wee kepada pemberita selepas mesyuarat Jawatankuasa Pemuda MCA di Wisma MCA hari ini.

Dr. Wee yang juga Timbalan Menteri Pelajaran berkata, walaupun bahasa pengantar di sekolah pelbagai aliran bukannya bahasa kebangsaan namun ia tidak menggugat pelajar untuk menghayati konsep 1Malaysia.

- BERNAMA

When there are too many unusual cases, it's fake

There are at least three cases of standing praying mat in the news these past few days.

The pattern is the same--one praying mat 'leads' in front of the others, like an imam, and the others look like the 'followers' at the back, like the makmum.

The three cases happened one after another, in different states. After the first case was out in the news.

I mean, come on. They are fake, okay. Even if they might be real, I would say only the first one might have been real, but the others? Nahh~

The pictures show that the praying mats are so-called 'standing'. But to me, they aren't. Instead, they are in a position that is not even close to standing. It's like the center of the praying mats were pulled up and whoever did it adjusted the mats so that they hold the shape and let the praying mats stayed that way.

Come on..the praying mats are made of some kind of hard fabric, not the soft, flowing ones..They can hold their shapes better than the other fabrics. We can make them look like 'standing' if we want to. Can't these people see??

I bet those pranksters were busy laughing right now.