Of men and self respect

Have you watched the movie "He's just not that into you?" I liked it. In my opinion, it's a good movie and all women should watch it. Although I didn't agree with some things in it..I guess that's because the difference in cultures and values. O well~

Anyway, I bet most of you (women) have had your heart broken at least once. And I bet some (or most) of you have experienced relationship where you felt like you were the only one making all the initiatives to make sure the relationship worked, but your partner did nothing?

I have. Let me tell you my story. (this is my blog anyway, sukati la ahaha)

I met this guy, A, in January 2003. Seven months later, we got together. Yep, he asked me first. I make it a rule..the guy has to be the one who initiates it..I am traditional in that way. So anyway, everything was okay, until about maybe..7 months later, if I am not mistaken. He started to not calling me or texting me. Being someone who was loyal and really wanted the relationship to work, I tried my best to keep in touch, to text him everyday, or call him at least once or twice a week. I did not care if I had to go down to the nearest public phone in the middle of the night and spending RM20 just to call and talk to him for half an hour. I did not care even he did not sound excited to hear my voice. I did not care if I texted him and got nothing back. I did not care, because I really liked him (although before I told people that I loved him, but when I think about it now, I am pretty sure it was not love) and I really wanted the relationship to work. After all, he did tell me that he loved me. He did give me a ring. He did talk about having a family with me. He did tell his parents about me. He did everything that made me sure that he really wanted me. But then, his act of suddenly ignoring me left me hanging.

It was a terrible 3 years, alright. He kept on coming and going. I kept on telling myself that the relationship would work. I had faith in us. I had faith in him. I believed that he must had his own reason to not properly keeping in touch with me, and I believed that he had his own reason to not telling me what the reason was. I also believed whatever the reason was, he would solve it, and everything would go back to what it was before. I believed we would go through it. I strongly believed that he loved me. He told me that, didn't he?

But wow, was I wrong. That day when I saw him running away from me, was the day everything had shattered but becoming clear at the same time. He saw me, I swear. He was talking to someone when he saw me. But then as soon as I walked towards him, he was gone. The next thing I knew, I was looking at his back, walking away from me. I was struck. Then everything came into me. It was real. The silence was real. The unreplied messages were real. He really did not want me. Why didn't he tell me straight to my face? Why didn't I realize it sooner?

It was hard. It was terribly hard. All the things that I thought real, were actually fake. All the happiness that I felt, was actually my own imagination. The image of me and him getting married, the image of him sitting, reading a newspaper while I was cooking, the image of us in a car going somewhere together..those were all my imagination. My own imagination. The imagination that I thought I shared with him, but apparently it wasn't shared. I was imagining it alone. ALONE. Why didn't I realize it sooner? Why?

Right after that incident, I was with another guy. He was a rebound--we got together the day after I saw my-ex walking away from me. And I regretted it, of course. He dumped me in the end, which made me relieved as we really weren't compatible, at all. That's the perfect example of the first rule of relationship: never get into a new relationship shortly after a breakup. (Remember!)

After being dumped, I had a fling with another guy. But it did not work out. Of course it wouldn't. I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't work out. After all, he had a girlfriend. Who was I kidding?

After all those failed romances, I found myself single, unhappy, and still looking. But seriously, how the hell was I gonna find a good man? It's a rare species after all.

However, a couple of weeks later, I sat down, and I realized that I was actually tired. I was tired of failed relationships. I was tired of trying, chasing, hoping, and not getting. I was tired of looking. I was tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I was tired, and I knew I'd had enough.

As I sat down, I started to think about myself. I thought, "I am not that bad. I am not beautiful, pretty, and cute, but I sure am not ugly. But actually, I think I am quite beautiful. I have a good body proportion too, although I am not a model-perfect. I know how to cook. I know how to sew. I know how to take care of babies and children. I am smart, although I am not a genius. I am ambitious. I am strong-willed. I am independent. I know to do almost everything, although not much, but enough for me to live. I am not gedik. I am not becok. I am a matured person. I am not demanding. I am not a high-maintenance-d person. I am not pious, but I am religious enough. I am loyal and I am full of love. I am romantic. I am a good candidate for a wife. I am a good person. And I deserve a good man as well."

After I told that to myself, I felt some kind of strength started to build up inside of me. Then I decided, "Since I deserve a good man, I will wait for the good man to come. Until then, I will not let any less good man to have my heart, even a small fraction of it. I will not give my heart to a man who will almost certainly break it again. I will not give it to a man who doesn't take me seriously. I will not give it to a man who will not chase me, fight for me. I will not give it to a man who doesn't know how to treat me well. I will not give it to a man who does not want to take me to be his wife. I will not give my heart to anyone, until the good man comes into my life and fight for it. Until then, I will keep on living my life, and building my career." And only with that, I felt so much better, and I started seeing the world with a new perspective. Yep, I was alone, but I felt content, because I strongly believed one day the good man would come to my life, and until that time came, I would just wait.

Approximately two months after that, I met an old classmate which I hadn't met for 11 years. About two weeks later, chemistry started to kick in. A week after, we got together. 14 months after, we got engaged. 2 months later, we got married. And now, I am proud to say that I am happily married to the good man whom I had waited.

It sounded as if I did not give my husband a hard time, didn't I? O you bet I did. The night he confessed to me that he liked me and wanted to be in a relationship with me, I told him I did not want to be in a relationship, because it didn't guarantee a happy ending, although I did tell him that I liked him too. Instead, I told him to come to my house and see my parents if he really serious about wanting me. And he actually did. A few days after. Looking at his effort and sincerity, I accepted him with arms wide open. Because with him, everything felt right. And it still does.

So I guess what I am trying to say is, in order to find love, we have to love ourselves first. In order to find respect, we have to respect ourselves first. We need to know ourselves. Identify our strengths and weaknesses; and accept them, embrace them. Only then we'll see what kind of people we actually deserve. Only then, we'll protect ourselves from unnecessary heartache.

I hate seeing women wasting their time trying to keep a relationship when their men do nothing. I hate seeing women trying their best when their men seem not to care. I know they deserve better, and I also know that their men deserve a punch in the face. At least.

Tolak jatuh gaung lagi best.