I wish..

I am at the computer lab right now, trying to study (konon), but failed. So I thought, I could make use of the time by updating this blog..at least I have something going, than nothing.

So, a few days ago I watched this orchestra-and-ballet performance on TV. I think it was from Venice (for some unknown reason there's a TV channel here that shows art stuffs from all over the world, particularly Europe, on a weekly basis). Watching it brought back memories. I felt goosebumps all over my body. The music and the energy from the players penetrated into my body, and before I knew it, my body was moving according to the music. Ahh..it really made me missed the old times.

I guess I always have the artsy side in me. I grew up obsessing about painting, and drawing. I drew whenever I could with whatever thing that I could put my hands on. Let it be a pencil, pen, marker pen, a stick, crayon, water color..you name it, I had used it. And of course, I used to draw on the wall of my house too. And luckily my parents just too tired to bother about it. They even let it be there until I was 11. They said it would bring back memories when I grew up. They sure were right. Just by looking at the wall, I saw how my drawing had evolved.

But of course, the drawing is not there now. The house was renovated when I was 11, so the drawing had to go. And starting at around that time too, I stopped drawing or painting as much, as I know how expensive drawing/painting materials could be. And plus, I couldn't draw on the wall anymore.. And also at around that time, I started to build interest in music. Not really in listening to it, but in playing it.

I remember watching marching bands playing during Independence Day Celebrations on TV, and I thought, "When I go to secondary school, and if the school has a marching band, I want to join it." And boy, I was lucky. My secondary school had one of the best school marching bands in Malaysia, and of course, I joined it. The experience was awesome. For the first time in my life, I played other instrument--a real musical instrument--other than the recorder we used to play in primary school. For the first time in my life, I studied the music score. I learned how to play the Euphonium properly. I learned to distinguish a good, clean, and solid sound from a bad, airy sound. I learned how to tune. I learned the difference between a flat sound and a sharp sound. I just learned everything that I could about music..mostly on my own (of course the seniors told me the basics, but other than that, I learned by try-and-error).

Being in the marching band was a big part of my secondary school life. I think, that's the only thing that made me feel alive when I was in secondary school. It got better when we also formed an orchestra ensamble out of the band. Playing long and more emotional pieces..it was heaven. I fell in love.

But then, after leaving school, my artsy side has been basically surpressed. I couldn't join any musical ensamble because I have never taken any formal music class, other than the one they taught at school, and who am I kidding if I were to compete with those people who have this and that certificate from this and that art school. And of course, after years of not drawing or painting, I have lost the skills too. I do draw sometimes, of course, but I don't know if doodling is considered an art.

Maybe if people ask me do I have any regret, I think I do, and that is, I regret losing and not being able to do things that I love doing. Things that make me feel alive. Things that able to transfer me into a trans state. And those things are, playing music and drawing/painting.

Watching orchestra performances and spending hours in art galleries have never failed to make me think, "I wish, I wish.."

I wish.