Of men and self respect

Have you watched the movie "He's just not that into you?" I liked it. In my opinion, it's a good movie and all women should watch it. Although I didn't agree with some things in it..I guess that's because the difference in cultures and values. O well~

Anyway, I bet most of you (women) have had your heart broken at least once. And I bet some (or most) of you have experienced relationship where you felt like you were the only one making all the initiatives to make sure the relationship worked, but your partner did nothing?

I have. Let me tell you my story. (this is my blog anyway, sukati la ahaha)

I met this guy, A, in January 2003. Seven months later, we got together. Yep, he asked me first. I make it a rule..the guy has to be the one who initiates it..I am traditional in that way. So anyway, everything was okay, until about maybe..7 months later, if I am not mistaken. He started to not calling me or texting me. Being someone who was loyal and really wanted the relationship to work, I tried my best to keep in touch, to text him everyday, or call him at least once or twice a week. I did not care if I had to go down to the nearest public phone in the middle of the night and spending RM20 just to call and talk to him for half an hour. I did not care even he did not sound excited to hear my voice. I did not care if I texted him and got nothing back. I did not care, because I really liked him (although before I told people that I loved him, but when I think about it now, I am pretty sure it was not love) and I really wanted the relationship to work. After all, he did tell me that he loved me. He did give me a ring. He did talk about having a family with me. He did tell his parents about me. He did everything that made me sure that he really wanted me. But then, his act of suddenly ignoring me left me hanging.

It was a terrible 3 years, alright. He kept on coming and going. I kept on telling myself that the relationship would work. I had faith in us. I had faith in him. I believed that he must had his own reason to not properly keeping in touch with me, and I believed that he had his own reason to not telling me what the reason was. I also believed whatever the reason was, he would solve it, and everything would go back to what it was before. I believed we would go through it. I strongly believed that he loved me. He told me that, didn't he?

But wow, was I wrong. That day when I saw him running away from me, was the day everything had shattered but becoming clear at the same time. He saw me, I swear. He was talking to someone when he saw me. But then as soon as I walked towards him, he was gone. The next thing I knew, I was looking at his back, walking away from me. I was struck. Then everything came into me. It was real. The silence was real. The unreplied messages were real. He really did not want me. Why didn't he tell me straight to my face? Why didn't I realize it sooner?

It was hard. It was terribly hard. All the things that I thought real, were actually fake. All the happiness that I felt, was actually my own imagination. The image of me and him getting married, the image of him sitting, reading a newspaper while I was cooking, the image of us in a car going somewhere together..those were all my imagination. My own imagination. The imagination that I thought I shared with him, but apparently it wasn't shared. I was imagining it alone. ALONE. Why didn't I realize it sooner? Why?

Right after that incident, I was with another guy. He was a rebound--we got together the day after I saw my-ex walking away from me. And I regretted it, of course. He dumped me in the end, which made me relieved as we really weren't compatible, at all. That's the perfect example of the first rule of relationship: never get into a new relationship shortly after a breakup. (Remember!)

After being dumped, I had a fling with another guy. But it did not work out. Of course it wouldn't. I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't work out. After all, he had a girlfriend. Who was I kidding?

After all those failed romances, I found myself single, unhappy, and still looking. But seriously, how the hell was I gonna find a good man? It's a rare species after all.

However, a couple of weeks later, I sat down, and I realized that I was actually tired. I was tired of failed relationships. I was tired of trying, chasing, hoping, and not getting. I was tired of looking. I was tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I was tired, and I knew I'd had enough.

As I sat down, I started to think about myself. I thought, "I am not that bad. I am not beautiful, pretty, and cute, but I sure am not ugly. But actually, I think I am quite beautiful. I have a good body proportion too, although I am not a model-perfect. I know how to cook. I know how to sew. I know how to take care of babies and children. I am smart, although I am not a genius. I am ambitious. I am strong-willed. I am independent. I know to do almost everything, although not much, but enough for me to live. I am not gedik. I am not becok. I am a matured person. I am not demanding. I am not a high-maintenance-d person. I am not pious, but I am religious enough. I am loyal and I am full of love. I am romantic. I am a good candidate for a wife. I am a good person. And I deserve a good man as well."

After I told that to myself, I felt some kind of strength started to build up inside of me. Then I decided, "Since I deserve a good man, I will wait for the good man to come. Until then, I will not let any less good man to have my heart, even a small fraction of it. I will not give my heart to a man who will almost certainly break it again. I will not give it to a man who doesn't take me seriously. I will not give it to a man who will not chase me, fight for me. I will not give it to a man who doesn't know how to treat me well. I will not give it to a man who does not want to take me to be his wife. I will not give my heart to anyone, until the good man comes into my life and fight for it. Until then, I will keep on living my life, and building my career." And only with that, I felt so much better, and I started seeing the world with a new perspective. Yep, I was alone, but I felt content, because I strongly believed one day the good man would come to my life, and until that time came, I would just wait.

Approximately two months after that, I met an old classmate which I hadn't met for 11 years. About two weeks later, chemistry started to kick in. A week after, we got together. 14 months after, we got engaged. 2 months later, we got married. And now, I am proud to say that I am happily married to the good man whom I had waited.

It sounded as if I did not give my husband a hard time, didn't I? O you bet I did. The night he confessed to me that he liked me and wanted to be in a relationship with me, I told him I did not want to be in a relationship, because it didn't guarantee a happy ending, although I did tell him that I liked him too. Instead, I told him to come to my house and see my parents if he really serious about wanting me. And he actually did. A few days after. Looking at his effort and sincerity, I accepted him with arms wide open. Because with him, everything felt right. And it still does.

So I guess what I am trying to say is, in order to find love, we have to love ourselves first. In order to find respect, we have to respect ourselves first. We need to know ourselves. Identify our strengths and weaknesses; and accept them, embrace them. Only then we'll see what kind of people we actually deserve. Only then, we'll protect ourselves from unnecessary heartache.

I hate seeing women wasting their time trying to keep a relationship when their men do nothing. I hate seeing women trying their best when their men seem not to care. I know they deserve better, and I also know that their men deserve a punch in the face. At least.

Tolak jatuh gaung lagi best.

Simply beautiful

I've seen so many beautiful things in my life. But still, the most beautiful thing I have laid my eyes on was the sight of him trying to hide his shyness when I asked him the reason he didn't want me to study abroad. He was there, sitting on the passenger seat of my small Kancil, trying to act comfortable when he was obviously not; removing his eyes off me as soon as I looked at him. He was there, so big yet so small, so masculine yet so cute.

That, to me, was the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on. That sight, although lasted no longer than a second, has permanently been engraved in my mind, in my heart.

Simply beautiful.

Ice-cream flavor

I was reading Kakak's blog (no, not my sister, it's a nickname for my high school friend) and she posted something about this quiz on how personality relates with favorite ice-cream flavor. So I thought I could give it a shot since my brain had gotten all confused with all these genetic stuffs.

So anyway I did it. The quiz had 9 questions on your preferences/personality basically. Typical stuffs. After I had finished answering all the questions, I hit the result button and seconds later...

TADA!

*copy pasted from here*

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Note: Scores are rounded to one decimal place and therefore may not total 100%

You scored 33.3%

Strawberry

Strawberry ice cream types are naturally loyal, honest and trustworthy. No doubt you have a devoted circle of friends who rely on you for the right answer to any moral dilemma. Like Chocolate Chip types, you tend to set high standards for yourself, but you are also somewhat shy and reserved. And you don't like to admit it, but you're also a tad pessimistic. Maybe you're just disappointed that no one can seem to live up to your own sense of responsibility and forthrightness. When it comes to romance and relationships, Strawberry types do well with optimistic, outgoing Chocolate Chips. Fun fact: Strawberry is tied with Butter Pecan as the third most popular ice cream flavor.

You scored 22.2%

Butter Pecan

Butter Pecan ice cream types are organized, put-together, and generally valued for their fairness, efficiency and lack of pretension � you won't see a Butter Pecan type putting on airs. In fact, it may be hard for a no-nonsense Butter Pecan type like you to express yourself at all, even though you're privately quite sympathetic and observant. No doubt you like to plan ahead and take charge, which means you're often over-committed. When it comes to romance and relationships, you're most compatible with your own kind � other Butter Pecan types who appreciate hard work and good sense. Fun fact: Butter Pecan is tied with Strawberry for the third most popular ice cream flavor.

You scored 22.2%

Chocolate Chip

If you're a Chocolate Chip ice cream type, you're a creative force to be reckoned with. No doubt you've got a competitive streak a mile wide. The good news is that it brings out the best in you by forcing you to live up to your own demanding standards. Still, you can be rather unforgiving at times with those who don't share your vision and drive. Friends value your magnetism, charm and originality. When it comes to romance and relationships, Chocolate Chips are best off with high-achieving Butter Pecans and empathetic, insightful Chocolates. Fun fact: Chocolate chip ice cream lovers tend to also indulge in other "chunky" flavors, such as Cookie Dough, Mint Chip and Rocky Road.

You scored 22.2%

Chocolate

If you're a Chocolate ice cream type, you are flirtatious, charming and even a little dramatic. No doubt you're an intuitive and sensitive person who puts a high value on family, relationships and romance. But your instincts may sometimes steer you wrong: You tend to be easily influenced in directions that you know aren't the best for you, and you have a tendency toward self-indulgence. Still, your liveliness and your trusting nature have earned you many admirers and friends. When it comes to romance and relationships, Chocolate types are compatible with reliable Butter Pecans and high-focus, high-energy Chocolate Chips. Fun fact: Chocolate is the second most popular ice cream flavor.

You scored 0%

Vanilla

Contrary to what you may expect, Vanilla ice cream types aren't bland or boring. Rather, you're probably quite gregarious, impulsive, fun loving and expressive. You may have a hard time making up your mind � Vanillas are known for never saying no, even when they probably should. Vanilla types also tend to take a romantic, hopeful view of life. Your motto: Live for the moment, and everything will work out fine. When it comes to romance and relationships, Vanilla types are happiest with your own kind � only someone equally spontaneous and energetic will do. Fun fact: Vanilla is far and away the most popular ice cream flavor.

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So there you go. I am a mixed. I must admit I have never bought a strawberry ice-cream and butter pecan, although I have tasted both. I love strawberry yogurt though (does strawberry frozen yogurt count as strawberry ice-cream? haha). I like chocolate chip and chocolate ice-cream. Occasionally I'll get McD's vanilla ice-cream, because other vanilla ice-creams don't taste as good. But I must say my favorite ice-cream tends to have coffee and some chunky things in it. Like the Lowfat Espresso 'N' Cream from Baskin Robbin. Light enough, chunky enough, sweet enough, bitter enough. Yumyum. Owh, I love green tea ice-cream too, although it doesn't have any coffee or chunky things in it.

As for personality that each flavor represents, I don't know..I personally think that I am reserved, outspoken when I need to, ambitious, laidback, blablabla.. (too sleepy to think). Anyway, whatever, you know me, despite whatever this quiz says (budget dikenali). Haha

Ok, nak bervideo chat dgn Mr.Husband sat.

Good night everyone (;|

*that's a sleepy face, in case you didn't notice*

weird people

Now, can that be any weirder? Haha

But o well, I love Lady GAGA. Her music is catchy and I particularly love this one. And I also love her because she's weird. Haha

Yepp, I tend to like weird people--Lady Gaga, Johnny Depp, M.Nasir. Ok, maybe I need to explain the last two people. Hmm..I know Johnny Depp is handsome and all, but to tell you the truth, I have started to like him before I noticed his handsome face. I was more attracted to him because he played all the weird movie characters available. And he seems to do it effortlessly. And plus, he's quiet. It's like, all these things that he does and his quiet and reserved character make him a mysterious person..to me. It makes me think, "What does he think actually? 'Who' is he in person?"

M.Nasir is not as weird as Johnny Depp, of course, but his terrific music and his quiet and reserved character, make me attracted to him. Same as Johnny Depp, he makes me think of 'who' is he in person? What does he think?

And the same reason applies to Lady Gaga. Although she's not as quiet and reserved, she's still mysterious to me. It makes me want to know more.

So I guess I tend to like mysterious people, who tend to be weird at the same time.

So, motive of the post?

None.

Hahaha good morning people~ :)

p/s: Lady Gaga is coming to Canberra on 29th March 2010 I think. I want to go..but I think I won't be comfortable with all the people that will be coming. I don't like packed places and although I am attracted to weird people, I don't know how to mingle with weird people, who I think will be the majority of the crowd. I know, it's weird..haha

I wish..

I am at the computer lab right now, trying to study (konon), but failed. So I thought, I could make use of the time by updating this blog..at least I have something going, than nothing.

So, a few days ago I watched this orchestra-and-ballet performance on TV. I think it was from Venice (for some unknown reason there's a TV channel here that shows art stuffs from all over the world, particularly Europe, on a weekly basis). Watching it brought back memories. I felt goosebumps all over my body. The music and the energy from the players penetrated into my body, and before I knew it, my body was moving according to the music. Ahh..it really made me missed the old times.

I guess I always have the artsy side in me. I grew up obsessing about painting, and drawing. I drew whenever I could with whatever thing that I could put my hands on. Let it be a pencil, pen, marker pen, a stick, crayon, water color..you name it, I had used it. And of course, I used to draw on the wall of my house too. And luckily my parents just too tired to bother about it. They even let it be there until I was 11. They said it would bring back memories when I grew up. They sure were right. Just by looking at the wall, I saw how my drawing had evolved.

But of course, the drawing is not there now. The house was renovated when I was 11, so the drawing had to go. And starting at around that time too, I stopped drawing or painting as much, as I know how expensive drawing/painting materials could be. And plus, I couldn't draw on the wall anymore.. And also at around that time, I started to build interest in music. Not really in listening to it, but in playing it.

I remember watching marching bands playing during Independence Day Celebrations on TV, and I thought, "When I go to secondary school, and if the school has a marching band, I want to join it." And boy, I was lucky. My secondary school had one of the best school marching bands in Malaysia, and of course, I joined it. The experience was awesome. For the first time in my life, I played other instrument--a real musical instrument--other than the recorder we used to play in primary school. For the first time in my life, I studied the music score. I learned how to play the Euphonium properly. I learned to distinguish a good, clean, and solid sound from a bad, airy sound. I learned how to tune. I learned the difference between a flat sound and a sharp sound. I just learned everything that I could about music..mostly on my own (of course the seniors told me the basics, but other than that, I learned by try-and-error).

Being in the marching band was a big part of my secondary school life. I think, that's the only thing that made me feel alive when I was in secondary school. It got better when we also formed an orchestra ensamble out of the band. Playing long and more emotional pieces..it was heaven. I fell in love.

But then, after leaving school, my artsy side has been basically surpressed. I couldn't join any musical ensamble because I have never taken any formal music class, other than the one they taught at school, and who am I kidding if I were to compete with those people who have this and that certificate from this and that art school. And of course, after years of not drawing or painting, I have lost the skills too. I do draw sometimes, of course, but I don't know if doodling is considered an art.

Maybe if people ask me do I have any regret, I think I do, and that is, I regret losing and not being able to do things that I love doing. Things that make me feel alive. Things that able to transfer me into a trans state. And those things are, playing music and drawing/painting.

Watching orchestra performances and spending hours in art galleries have never failed to make me think, "I wish, I wish.."

I wish.

Perihal anak

Ramai org telah mula bertanya bila saya mahu ada anak. "Perut sudah berisi?" ke.. "Wah, nanti anak kau org Australia la!" ke.. atau "Mama, k.fizah dah kawin eh? Nanti k.fizah ade anak tak? Anak diye laki ke perempuan?" Soalan yang terakhir itu adalah soalan pertama tentang anak yg saya terima, dan soalan itu ditanya oleh sepupu saya yang baru sekolah tadika..

Tidak dapat saya nafikan, naluri seorang ibu telah lama ada dalam diri saya. Tatkala memandang bayi2 yg comel, terdetik hati "Nanti aku ade anak, hopefully comel jugak!" Kanak-kanak kecil di bawah umur 7 tahun juga mungkin boleh merasakan naluri keibuan saya. Tak dapat saya terangkan bagaimana, tetapi kanak-kanak dari kumpulan ini sering menunjukkan tanda2 yang mereka senang bersama saya, walaupun saya tidak pernah memberi 'rasuah' gula-gula atau sebagainya. Mungkin saya pun senang dengan mereka. Masih naif dan manja, masih tidak pandai melawan kata.

Namun apakan daya, saya masih belajar untuk mendapatkan Master degree. Mendapat anak pada peringkat ini, pada saya, agak menyukarkan saya untuk pergi ke kelas, membuat assignment, membuat kajian dan sebagainya. Mungkin bagi sebilangan org, itu bukanlah alasan. Saya tahu jika kita inginkan sesuatu, kita pasti boleh melakukannya. Tetapi saya juga tahu tentang kemampuan saya. Ya, saya boleh membuat banyak kerja pada satu2 masa, tetapi saya tidak yakin dengan kemampuan saya berjalan laju menaiki tangga pergi ke kelas dengan perut yang memboyot, dengan emosi yang tidak stabil, dengan tekak yang loya tanpa alasan.

Mungkin nanti, bila saya sudah tidak perlu mengambil banyak kelas lagi, bila tanggungjawab saya hanyalah membuat kajian di makmal. Pada waktu itu, mungkin saya tidak perlu untuk bergegas ke kelas dan berlari-lari untuk menghantar assignment. Pada waktu itu, saya yakin dengan kemampuan diri saya untuk menjalankan tanggungjawab kerja saya dengan perut yang memboyot. Pada waktu itu, saya tidak akan menolak sekiranya saya diberi rezeki daripada Allah untuk mendapat anak. Pada waktu itu, saya yakin untuk menjalankan tanggungjawab saya sebagai seorang bakal pendidik dan juga sebagai seorang isteri yang bertanggungjawab melahirkan zuriat suaminya. Saya tahu suami saya juga menginginkan zuriat daripada saya.

Tetapi bukan waktu ini. Pada waktu ini, saya masih tidak yakin.

Nanti, ya?